I feel so, so horrible.

I haven't seen Rosie for about two months and I saw her today. We walked around town and had cookies and talked and.. stuff. We saw random people from her school and, even though they had no idea who I was, they all hugged me and stuff. They seemed so nice.... no wonder she loves school so much. We saw the people that I hang around with most at school and they just sneered and laughed at me. It's so different from the people at Ro's school. I mean, there are really nice people, like Becky (who I really, really like) but I hardly see them. I hate it so much there.

Then we came back to my house and read jrock magazines and had fun. We ate pizza and watched hide videos and listened to music and played with Boo. Rosie told me about when she was on a plane and was switching the channels on the little tv that they have on the back of the seat in front. And she got to a sex scene in a film and watched it because she was a curious twelve-year-old. It was really funny.

I talked so, so much. I just talked for ages about anything that popped into my head. I haven't talked to anyone properly since school started.

I miss Rosie so much. I can't believe I haven't seen her in two months. She and her sister are going to stay at my house in just over a week for my birthday and that seems so much more than two months.

We saw Daniel and Duncan too. We walked with Daniel for a while. I wish he would talk to me at school - I don't like him, I just miss people I know. I've known him for about five years. I even wish Suzanne would talk to me.

I've never, ever missed someone like this. It feels so stupid. I feel stupid.

Rosie hugged me a lot and it just made me feel worse. When I changed schools when I was eight, I was really sad and promised my old friends I would never forget them. Then I met Rosie and I forgot all about the people I knew before. Now, I'm scared Rosie will forget me like I forgot those people. And Rosie's the only friend I have. I love her so much,.

I can't talk to anyone. I can't look at hide magazines at school when I'm feel lonely and sad - I can't take what they keep saying. So.. they discovered I liked hide when I started listening to my cd player in a free period. They asked about him; I gave them brief information. If I do anything now that can be considered to do with hide, Natasha chants 'Why do you like him? He's DEAD. D.E.A.D. Can you spell that? He's dead. Gone. Nothing. D.E.A.D. DEAD. Ewww, he looked like a girl. It's just so freaky. And.. looked, not 'look'. Past tense because he's dead. He's not even a person any more. Not even a thing. He's DEAD.' That's almost an exact quote - as exact as I can remember.

It's not so much that they're saying that about hide... more that they're just saying it. I've become paranoid recently. I spend every waking hour thinking about the people I love dying and I try not to, but I can't help it. I have horrible dreams. My dad promised my mum that he'd given up smoking years ago but I know he still smokes and I know how much he smokes. My heart breaks a little more each time I hear him coughing like that. I can't deal with it; it's killing me inside. I can't deal with death . I'm not afraid of dying; I'm afraid of losing. It's why I've become so obsessed and emotionally dependant on a person I've never met and never will meet. He can't go away any more than he already is. When people accuse me of liking hide more than I like them, I wish I could explain that they’ll go away one day and hide won’t. Ever. And that’s why I can't like them.

I don't know what I've done to make them treat me like that at school. I never even talk about hide to them. I never talk about anything different or 'strange' or about anything I like. I try to get involved in their pathetic conversations about boys and makeup and everything I don't give a shit about and never will. It's driving me insane.

I don't want it to effect me but my school isn't normal. It forces you to be social - you have to attend social evenings, music competitions etc. It's compulsory. You have to do games every day. It's hurts even more because my parents are paying for it. I can't bring myself to tell them how much I hate it. And if I left, what would I do?

Oh God. I'm such a freak. Now I;m crying to Ladies Room songs

I wish Kwok knew that he brought back so many painful memories and opened old wounds and brought me to realise many things that I was trying to not accept when he kissed me last year. I hate him for it and I hate him for not understanding and being so insensitive.

I don't want to feel like this. I used to be such a happy kid. I used to skip into school and like everyone and be able to talk to people. Even now, sometimes I feel so happy and forget things for a moment. I want to be happy and carefree and be able to enjoy life and I want all the pain to go away. Doctors are retarded - I wish they could just hurry up and make me better. I hate writing this because I just feel stupid and people think I'm trying to get attention. And I don't want people to worry about me or get annoyed at me so I can't tell anyone.

Everybody keeps changing and moving away and growing up. And I'm not changing at all and don't think I ever will.

I've been crying non-stop since Rosie left over an hour ago.

I feel so horrible.